12/26 - 1/1: nuthin ya'll

Yep – off this week. I think they are open, but I’m burnt out, feeling like shit (I can’t quite say why – emotional BS if ya ask me), and just want to sit at my computer.

Maybe I’m getting antsy for class.

Maybe I just am people’d out.

Maybe I feel like an utter slob bc I’ve fallen off the food bandwagon.

Maybe I am just feeling lazy.

Maybe I wish I were home instead.

Maybe it’s too fucking cold and all I wanna do is curl up in fuzzy pj pants and a blanket.

Prolly all of the above.

12/22: WOD: 12 days of Christmas

[[ Top part is CF stuff. Bottom part is feels stuff ]]

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

On the 1^st day of Christmas my trainer said to do, 1 rope climb to end your work out.

On the 2^nd day of Christmas my trainer said to do, 2 power snatches, and a rope climb to end your work out.

On the 3^rd day of Christmas my trainer said to do, 3 muscle ups, 2 power snatches, and a rope climb to end your work out.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Yeah. I know, I went there. I even sang it in class :)

So, we use 1 weight for all bar work, and on the left is the 12 days RX, the right is my scaled version:

1 rope climb                                                                   10 ring rows
2 power snatches @ 85lb                                                2 power snatch @ 45lb
3 muscle ups (or equivalent through pull ups)               10 ring row
4 push press @ 85lb                                                       4 push press @ 45lb
5 toes to bar                                                                    5 hanging knee raise
6 wall ball @ 14lb                                                            6 wall ball @ 10lb
7 box jumps @ 20"                                                          7 box steps @ 20"
8 plate burpees @ 25lb                                                   8 plate burpees @ 10lb
9 kettle bell swings @ 35lb                                              9 kb swings @ 13lb
10 handstand push ups                                                 10 knee pushups
11 front squats @ 85lb                                                   11 front squat at 45lb
1 1200m run                                                                    1 1200m run

GOAL: in 70 minutes, complete all days. The format for this workout matches the song:

1 then

2, 1 then

3, 2, 1 then

4, 3, 2, 1 … and so on until all 12 days are complete

ACTUAL: In 70 minutes, completed 11 days + 800m

That translates to these totals:

• Ring Rows: 190
• Power Snatches: 20
• Push Presses: 32
• Hang Knee Raises: 35
• Wall Balls: 36
• Box Steps: 35
• Plate Burpees: 32
• KB Swings: 27
• Knee Pushups: 20
• Front Squats: 11
• 800M run

For me, I finished 11 days plus 800m run. I can't stop repeating this, because i'm truly am surprised that I did as much as I did. I mean, full on shocked. Obviously everyone else had it much harder than me, but I've learned that I don't compare myself to them, bc I'm me, and they are them. Now, about that run. As you can imagine, as out of shape as I am in, I was dead by that point. Well before that point, but whatever. I ran out the 200m, and when I turned around gasping for air, sucking on my inhaler, 2 of the girls in the class were running towards me. See, they finished minutes ago.

They came out to run with me so I wouldn’t be alone. They did all 12 fking days, and still ran with me. Guys, I wouldn’t have made it for 800m. Not without them. They pushed me to just keep moving. When I stopped, they helped me breathe, and then get back to moving. I just wanted to cry. I couldn’t, bc I was so sweaty that there was nothing left lol. But I really wanted to cry. I’m so thankful for them.

This is why I love CrossFit so much. No matter how embarrassed I feel, no matter how bad I’m doing, or how slow I am, the people there cheer me on and help me. Because of that, I do better.

You were warned.... feels:

So, the last couple weeks have been rough on me, emotionally. And the topper was the coworker’s words. Yo, it hit hard. **truth time** I have suffered with severe BDD for a very long time. I hate looking in the mirror. I HATE photos of me (yes, I admit that part of the reason I became a photographer was to have a legit reason to say “no, I don’t need to be in the pic, I’ll take it for you”). And most of all, I abhor myself.

I put on a good show – selfies, smiles, laughs, attempts to look pretty – but it really is just all a show. Now, I’ve gotten a little better as time has gone on because I’ve learned that there is more to life than how you look, more important things. All those assholes who control every single show, magazine, and movie that we look at aren’t always right about what this world considers beautiful, good, or worthy. I’ve gotten to the point where part of me does understand that, but I still suffer from depressive bouts.

However, since starting this, it’s been less severe – up until the coworker’s bs that is. Whatever. Anyway, this has been good for me. The encouragement to do things I couldn’t before, I dunno, it’s affecting me in such a wonderful way. Too many feels right now. But those chicks doing extra running to hang with me… it meant so much. And my friends who have my back, that means more than I can express.

12/21: S: bench press @ 75. WOD: 6rnd of 250m row, 15x situps, 30xec plank

The bench press was start at something, work your way to a heavy set of 5. Then, you’ll do another 4 sets of 5, with incremental increases of weight from that first one, up. So, I did 50, 60, 65, 70, 75. That final is a PR (wee!). They were tough but I did em all without a spot. Huzzah!

GOAL: 6 rounds of 250m row, 15x strict sit ups, 30 sec hollow planks

ACTUAL: 4 rounds + 80m row

Not much to say about this one. I tried, and I didn’t make it. But I kept at it. I was just slow.

12/18: S: Sumo DL @ 135. WOD: 3rnd of 15cal bike, 10 TGU

We worked on sumo deadlifts. These are normal hands (not close for a high pull) and wide stance. I find these much easier than a straight dead lift, and was able to really understand what they’ve been saying about “push into the ground” when you lift up. We didn’t work towards a max, but instead worked towards a heavy set of 5. I finished my sets at 135. I didn’t quite do them straight through, as I took a second breath between rep 3 and 4, but it was only a breath’s worth. So, I hope that counts. 135 is certainly my heavy for this, as I dunno if I could have done another set of 5 at that weight. Maybe, but also maybe not.

We also worked on how to do a Turkish get up. It’s a really cool, full body workout with a kettle bell. You start by laying down. KB in one hand, arm straight up, and corresponding leg is bent up. Throughout the entire process (1 rep = this move done on both sides), the arm and KB should be towards the ceiling. Your arm doesn’t follow your body, but instead always points up. This sucker is hard, but was a lot of fun! I was super slow with it, but sped up as I did it more. I really enjoyed this one:

• Step 1: Sit up. You can use the hand not holding the KB as leverage for sitting up.
• Step 2: Lean toward the KB side and lift hips off the ground.
• Step 3: Tuck bent knee under the body and bring it back into what will feel like a lunge position.
• Step 4: Stand up.

From there, you do the same steps in reverse to lay back down, and repeat on the other side.

GOAL: 3 RFT in 10 min of 15 bike cals, 10 TGU

ACTUAL: 2 rounds + 15 cals

The WOD included the TGU, which was awesome. It also included the assault bike, which was not awesome. I’m coming to like it better as I use it (or maybe as my breathing gets better?) but it still isn’t cool. I was alright for pacing on the bike. Winded for sure when done with 15, but not dead. Then came the TGU. Really focusing on the steps and form, I was super slow. This first round is why I didn’t finish this WOD in the 10 mins. It was totally possible, but whatever. I honestly think I finished round 1 in 5 minutes. I was much faster in round 2 (I know this because I got through 2 rounds + the 15 cals).

I think I’d do better if I did this one again. Maybe not finish it, but certainly better.

12/7: S: DL @ 140. WOD: 50x Thrusters in time, double unders on minutes

Was a fun day. I'm super glad I went back, and I hope to not experience another night like last night again for a looooong time.

We did increments again. Matt adjusted my "max" to 140 from 107 based on what I did last time. I was unprepared with the maths and took WAY too long to get it all set and figured. so, I rushed a little. But, I still managed to go through all of them and ended with 1 @ 140.

To prep for the WOD, we worked on thrusters a little bit. The last time I did these, my right shoulder just wasn't having it. It does not like that movement at all. I need to work on that, and stretch it out I think. Anyway, in the warm up, I did them at 45lbs. But I dropped it for the workout.

WOD: 10 minutes to complete 50x Thrusters. At the top of each minute, do 25x double unders. This was scaled for me as thrusters using only 35lb bar, and if we can't do double unders, do 50x singles.

Actual: in the time frame, I finished 21 thrusters. I'm totally guessing here, but I think my reps were: 4, 3, 0, 0, 6, 6, 0, 2, 0, 0. I took forever jump roping. Yes, there were breaks to breathe, but for the most part, I just kept on. I think there were 3 significant breaks, like 10 seconds maybe? They were longer than the others (which consisted of me snagging the rope on my shoes, and then stepping over and starting up again) but not overly so I think. There were 2 sets where I'd finish jump roping, set it down, move to the bar, only to see that the minute ended and I needed to jump again. KILL ME.

The bad part is that I needed my inhaler, and I was scared that it wasn't working. I was too in pain to panic, and was dizzy. I felt like I was going to loose it, but I didn't. I made it. I fucking finished, and am so stoked.

Side note, periods of jumping rope are getting longer. huzzah!

12/6: didn’t go :(

Nope. I made every excuse in the book, and didn’t go. Yes, I DID have to do laundry (desperately). Yes, I DID have stock brewing in the crock pot that I needed to take care of. Yes, I DID have gifts to prep, organize, and wrap to mail home. Yes, I WAS still hurting from 12/4’s deadlifts (calves man. I was a wobbly walker!). I did not do laundry, I did put away the stock, I prepped and organized gifts, didn’t wrap.

These were all excuses. To be honest, I was feeling pretty down. I keep thinking that this is all so impossible and hopeless. That I’ll stay fat and out of shape forever. That I’ll never qualify to be in the military, and won’t get lucky with a job – which leads to being in accounting for the rest of my life. All of this, it’s just too big. I can’t stop from falling down the rabbit hole of negative thinking, and it’s terrifying.

I watched a youtube video of Jordan Shaloub (from #Jackedlikejordan, formerly Buzz Feed) and it was just her talking to her trainers and fellow gym members about how it was when they first started crossfit. They all said the same thing – that it was scary, difficult, felt impossible, and embarrassing.

So, I went to bed thinking that I’m experiencing normal feels and thoughts. I’m not doing exceptionally poorly. Several people reiterated that people should scale when needed, that the beginning was all modified to suit them for a long time, that a person shouldn’t compare themselves to the other people in their classes but should instead compare themselves to how they were when they started. And, this echoes what Kevin and other members at CFA have told me.

I’m sure I’ll go through this more than once. But, I just need to remember that everyone sucked in the beginning. It isn’t any harder for me than it was for anyone else. I’m not *special* in that. Thank goodness.

12/4: S: Deadlift: 60lb max. WOD: 3 RFT in 10 min of 21x KB lunges, 15x DL @ 35lb, 9x OTB burpees.

We worked on creating a Deadlift set, not necessarily a max yet. We worked up to a weight that we could do, and did 5 sets of 15 reps. I did them at 60lb and it was tough... But I did all sets. Want to up by a little next go around with Kevin’s OK.

WOD: 3 rounds for time in 10 min of:

• 21x KB lunges with the black KB
• 15x DL at 35 lbs
• 9x Over the bar Burpees

Actual: completed 1 full round + 21x KB lunges + 15x DL

Did KB lunges with black KB, DL at 35, and my fail-burpees (hop over the bar). Did 1.6 rounds of 3 in 10 minutes. The lunges kicked my ass. I dunno, adding the extra weight, and I just couldn’t stand still. I was so wobbly. My ankle/foot hurt (yeah, it was sprained 2 months ago) which was really weird, so I guess I just didn’t trust my body to do them. Which upset me, and being upset makes me feel terrible, and do worse than I can do, and rest too much bc I can’t keep my breathing under control. All bs. Until I break myself of that habit/tick/embarrassing action, I’ll never truly be able to work out.

We finished up with 50x weighted supermans. I did em all, but it tool like 7 sets. The last and next-to-last was 10 each, and they were split more from the beginning. First one was like 6 or 7? But, I made myself stick to a set of 10 for the last two, so that’s cool. 

11/30: S: Front squat (135 max). WOD: 3 RFT of 400m sprint, 25x hollow sit ups, 50x step lunges.

This is us working up to a max front squat lift. We do this in increments of 5x at 70%, 75%, and 80% weight, then 4x at 85%, 3x at 90%, and finally 2x at 95% weight. Going by what we figured max as, 107lb, lifts should be 75, 80, 86, 91, 96, 102. But weight increments don’t allow, and the final I was off bc I was running out of time and suck at math. I did: 75, 80, 85, 90, 95, 135. So…. New max I guess since I did both lifts in that final round at, supposedly, 95%. I’ll ask Matt next time I see him for this exercise about it.

WOD: 3 rounds for time of 

• 400m sprint
• 25x hollow sit ups
• 50x step lunges. (18 minute timer?)

Actual: 2 full rounds, plus 1 200m sprint. Walked in with 2 or 3 seconds to spare.

Something I noticed, sit ups were easier. As in, I did more before having to rest than previously. They certainly aren’t EASY, but definitely easier. That’s a noticeable win.

11/29: S: Hollow pushups, ring dips. WOD: 4x 4 min rnds of 30x wall ball, 30x KB swing, 30x Burpees.

Today was fun and challenging, even though I did terribly. We did pull up variations for the warmup, so I did ring rows. Managed each row set without stopping! I am trying to decrease my angle to the floor each time I do ring rows, but I don’t think I’m doing it. Push ups kicked my ass, and couldn’t do even 1 ring dip.

WOD: 4x 4-minute rounds of:

• 30x wall balls @ 10lbs
• 30x KB swings with the black one
• 30x Burpees.

Actual:

• R1 63 reps
• R2 43 reps
• R3 40 reps
• R4 0 reps – we were told that if we didn’t finish the KB swings, we were done. I thankfully wasn’t the only one.

S: Handstands. WOD 18 min for rounds planks, sit ups, Front Squat. (FS max 107)

Man. I've slacked in entering things here. I'ts hard to keep track of things if it isn't entered. And, that's so damn annoying. My own fault. I need to get better about this, stick with it. I want to see how I do, and tracking is the only way to.

I've dropped the thesis class (FML) for now, so will be attending 3x a week. 

Today:

W.U. Team Assault

Skill:   Handstand Variations

W.O.D 18 min Cap or 10 Rounds

• 3 x HSPU
• 7 x TTB
• 9 x Front Squats 95/65

**Weight Vest 20/14 is RX

What I did:

Team Assault: I didn't stop at all!!! 25 cals. Not in quick time, but decent enough without stopping or using my inhaler.

Handstand variations: We did head stands. Slow head stands. I got through em with help. Was interesting.

WOD: 

• Instead of 3 handstand push ups, I did 45 seconds of plank
• Instead of 7 Toe to bars, I did 14 regular sit ups (arm swings, not strict)
• I did 9 front squats at 45 lbs

In 18 minutes, I feel I didn't push myself enough. there were breaks, a lot of them. Whatever. I did 4 full rounds, then a plank and sit up. SO FUCKING SLOW. 

The cool thing is that the trainer did the WOD with us. Also, I didn't feel as terrible doing any of the things. Hopefully this is a sign that I'm getting over the mental bs.

Slacker

Begiing November, I'm down to attendance 2x a week. It was nice going often, but I did not complete ANYTHING on my thesis, and I'm stuck doing it now. I'm a fucking slacker, so I needed to remove the possibility of having this as an excuse. Whatever.

So, first week of November, I'm sick. I didn't attend at all last week. As much as I wanted to, I didn't. I couldn't go half an hour without coughing fits. I couldn't talk more than 10 minutes without one. But worse, I felt like I had run a marathon when walking up one flight of steps. 

Here's hoping this week is different, and I'm actually going to attend, and write. FML. I'm a slacker. 

WOD: lots of lifting shit

So, this was on a friday. I had my days mixed up.... and I thought class started at 6. It didn't. It was the last day starting at 530. So, I walk in and Matt is like "what are you doing?" of course. bc I'm half an hour late. But, he let me work out. I missed the warm up, which sucks bc I really needed it. I wasn't the only one though, the kid that started with me was late as well. Thank goodness.

We warmed up quickly, and was given a 16 minute clock (instead of the 17 minute for the class) to do the following:

• 20 x Power Cleans 
• 5 x Push ups
• 20 x Sumo DL/HP
• 5 x Push ups
• 20 x Push Jerks 
• 5 x Push ups
• 20 x OH Squats 
• 5 x Push ups
• 20 x Front Squats

YEAH BOY, I FINISHED WITH 2 SECONDS TO SPARE!!!

I used a 35lb bar and 10lb on each side. So, I was slow, and the final squats were tough to finish, but with folks' encouragement, I finished with 2 seconds to spare on the 16 min clock. I finished!

S: push press - 105lbs. WOD: 5 RFT of 200m sprint/15 box steps

So, these will probably get shorter as I do more. I will unfortunately have to cut back to 2x per week till the end of the school year because i'm a terrible fucking student and can't manage more than that. So, fingers crossed I actually graduate.

Anyway, workout.

We worked on push presses. That's the dip/drive one. I really enjoy lifting. There was a bit of pain in my right shoulder when it was above my head, but, only on that day. I didn't feel it the next day. Matt said it could be just some inflammation, and if there wasn't sharp pain, I shoudl be fine. And, I was!

So, lifted a bit to get to our 1 round max. I made it to 105 lbs. It was HARD. but, I got there. So, that's my max. For now.

The workout.... Ugh. I for 3 full rounds, 1 run, and 3 steps. 3 out of 5. I couldn't run 200 meters. I think I was able to do 100m nonstop, or almost nonstop. At least 1 nonstop...but yeah. panic, inhaler, etc. It happened. But, whatevs. Cheering and encouragement. I kept on till the clock timed out.

WOD:

GOAL: 5 rounds for time of 200m spring & 15 box jumps

ACTUAL: 3 complete rounds = 1 200m run = 3 box steps

S: bench press – 60lbs. WOD: Tabata Wall ball, sit ups, jump lunges.

Not discussing feels much from yesterday. But briefly: I kind of sabotaged myself. And of course, I felt bad for being so bad. Whatever.

Warm up, I don’t quite remember… Was there a group warm up? Yes! There was. We used the light rubber bands to work our rotator cuffs. So, I used the yellow band. We did 20 movements with our arms in each direction two times. Then we moved to bench presses.

My trio of chicks started slow, and the goal (for us) was to get to a heavy 4 sets of 10 reps. He allowed for forced presses, which means that we are assisted some in order to get the bar up when needed. I ended with doing 1 unassisted set of 10 at 60 lbs (35lb bar, 2x 10s, and 2x 2.5s), 1 almost unassisted set (helped with last one), 1 assisted set of 10 at 55 lbs (helped for 2), and 1 assisted set of 10 at 55lbs (helped for 3). In between these sets we were doing tricep dips. Was supposed to be 10-12 reps, but I never ever hit that. I did 8, 7, 5. Yes, that’s cheating, but when I can’t even lift myself up, there wasn’t much I could do. I should have gone back to do more, and that’s where I slacked. Fk me.

WOD: Tabata Wall ball, sit ups, jump lunges.

So, I found the most amazing description of “tabata” ever: Tabata (20 secs on and 10 secs off, for 8 intervals) of each movement – for a total of 40 intervals. Each Tabata is followed by 1 minute of rest. Score for each movement is the lowest number of reps (or calories on the rower) performed in any of the eight intervals. Total score is sum of the lowest score for each movement.

I used a 14lb ball, no ab mat, did reverse lunges. The lunges were the only thing I scaled. I SHOULD have scaled the ball, bc FK ME ALL THE SABOTAGE. Just the extra 4 lbs made the wall balls murder. With the tabata version of these, we reported our worst round as our score. I’m trying to remember from last night, and didn’t write rounds down, but I think they were something like this:

• Wall balls: 10 – 10 – 8 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4
• Sit ups: 12 – 11 – 10 – 9 – 7 – 4 – 3 – 2
• Reverse lunges: 12 – 12 – 10 – 10 – 10 – 8 – 7 – 7

Making my score: 4 + 2 + 7 = 13.

Matt had pity on me after reporting my 4. He didn’t call me out to report the last two; he walked over to me and asked. I’m grateful for that, bc reporting “2” would have broken me. Though, I will say that while I didn’t jump for the lunges (I was the only one to scale that back), I stayed low for the almost all of them, and all but two times kept going through to zero, whereas everyone else stopped with like 5 or 6 seconds left. So, either they hit their number, or I was counting time wrong. And, I don’t think I was, bc I rested a full 10 sec after each set. Weird. But, that’s a small victory. Yes, I’d do a few, and shake my legs out, but I kept at it. I surprised myself. Especially with the sit ups. I know I ended with terrible numbers, but, I fought through it. There were plenty of false sit ups, but I took some deeps breaths and tried again. So, go me?

WOD: Tabata Wall ball, sit ups, jump lunges.

Goal: as many reps as possible, keep lowest score per action.

Actual: Wall ball- 4, Sit ups- 2, Reverse Lunges- 7.

S: front squat - 95lbs. WOD: lowest rep is score for 3 rounds of bike cals/push ups/double unders/row cals/burpee

This class was fun and incredibly hard. Warm up was a ton of stretches, and wrist stretches, which I didn't know was a thing. Though, it makes sense that it would be. We did all of these bc our strength portion was dedicated to front squats. Exciting! We had 15 minutes to get to a max weight. I didn't get there, but my partner did. I ended with 95lb squat. So, I can't wait to do it again and see where I should really be at. 

AAANNNNDDDDDDDD I squatted all the way down. Finally. The weight helps a ton, but I need to be able to get there w/o the weight. I think today will be wall balls, so bam, more squats. I really do love the lifting. It's fun, challenging, and doesn't make me feel like a complete failure like all the body weight and endurance stuff does. I was crying through most of the WOD. Ugh, anyway. Lifting = great.

That was the fun part. The incredibly hard part was the WOD which consisted of: 3 rounds, max rep per round, 1 min each obstacle per round, then 1 min rest - assault bike, pushup, double under, row, burpee. So, I do all 5 activities in a row, spending a minute on each, and then I take a minute rest. Then start over. Each completed rep counts, and we add on per event, so our total reps for the 5 minutes is our score. Mine was 23, 15, 13. I lost some time bc of controlling my breathing, and I lost points every round bc I couldn't do even one double under. Just couldn't get the rope around me fast enough. But, first time. Hopefully will get better. 

I really do think my little panic attacks are psychosomatic. I see how bad I am, I start panicking. When I panic I can't breathe. No breathing stokes the panic, etc etc etc. I REALLY need to get it through my skull that I will be last in everything for some time. And that is OK. I am improving each time I go - squat a little lower, jump rope a little longer. THAT is the focus, not loosing to other people who have been doing this for months now. If I can make myself believe that there's no reason to get upset, I think I could perform much better. So, another thing to work on.

WOD:

GOAL: 1 min per activity of bike cals, push ups, double unders, row cals, burpees. 3 rounds.

ACTUAL: completed zero double unders on any round. R1) 23, R2) 15, R3) 13.

Strength: Max squat atm 95lb

S: strict press - 65lbs. WOD: 9/15/21/27 of push ups/wall balls/ring rows

Ok!!! So, one real workout down, and now number two down!! Exciting. I had a blast. It was hard, and of course I was upset as hell for not completing it, but I still had fun and pushed myself. So, this one will be short.

Stretching with a video was interesting. We listening and copied. Leg stretches felt good, but I wasn't able to do everything. At least not how they were prescribed. We then moved into strict presses. This was fun. So, I started with a 35lb bar this time. I suspect I'll be working with those for a while now. So, the plan was to do 5, add weight, do 5 add weight, etc, all the way until we are struggling with completing the 5th. Once we have that max weight for a set of 5, we do 4 more sets of 5 for a total of 5 sets of 5 at the same weight. Then, if there was time, work on the 1 press max. I didn't get there since I didn't even have a baseline. 

I started with the bar and did them OK. We added 20lb. I finished it, but it was difficult. So, we added 10 lbs after a rest. I tried it again and got 4. I couldn't lift the 5th so he said "we'll count that as an audible" I guess because I made a sound when trying? We moved me to doing 5 sets of 4 reps at this weight, 65lbs. I did 3 more pretty OK. They were difficult, but I got through em. On the last one, I struggled at rep 3 and racked it. I waited an extra lil bit of time, and tried that set again. Made it!

WOD: sets of 9, 15, 21, 27 reps each of modified push ups, 10lb wall balls, and ring rows. 

I was SO slow. That's my big problem. I can't just push through, and it's fucking frustrating!!!! Ugh. Did 9 of everything OK. Did 15 of everything OK. Had to break each thing down in 3 sets of x to complete the part so that I A- didn't loose track and B- got myself through it. Then we are at the 21. My arms and shoulders are jelly at this point. It took forever, and got to the point where I was struggling to even do 2 in a row. But, Mike was there and talked me through it, and I finished with like 30 seconds left. I moved to wall balls and finished as many as I could in that time. 

This was very fun, very frustrating, and I feel it today. Arms and shoulders aren't still jelly, but I feel it. In my abs/stomach as well. Weird. I guess that means I'm tightening everything I need? I hope so. I really enjoy the lifting. It's a lot of fun, and I can't wait until I'm to a point where I feel GOOD about doing it. 

GOAL: sets of 9, 15, 21, 27 reps each of modified push ups, 10lb wall balls, and ring rows.

ACTUAL: sets of 9, 15, reps each of modified push ups, 10lb wall balls, and ring rows + 21 push ups + 8 wall balls.

S: Planks. WOD: 1-2-3 of snatch (15lb barbell only)/handstand push ups/row cals

Ok! This was my first official day of CrossFit classes. I tried to get there on Tuesday, but traffic wasn't on my side and I would have gotten there late, so I waited for the 630 class. Of which there wasn't one. Whomp whomp. So, I went yesterday evening at 530. And, apparently there ARE 630 classes then. blah.

Feels:

Anyway, first class. Exciting. Embarrassing. Enlightening.

Exciting because, first one!! Embarrassing because, well, yeah. Enlightening because I really felt it out and tried my best. Well, maybe not my best. I'm not sure. COULD I have really held out on planks a little longer? COULD I have rowed faster? I dunno. It felt like my best at the time, but now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if I went easy at some points or not. I hope that's something I can understand about myself as I continue - knowing when I'm stopping bc I NEED to or I WANT to. 

It was really upsetting to not be able to hold a plank for 30 seconds at a time. And at the end, I was getting maybe 10 or 5 second holds. Really hard, really frustrating. I moved slow through everything. But a couple of classmates gave the "you got this" whoop and that helped. A girl at the very end was all "Almost there!" And counted the last 10 seconds out for me. 

I didn't want to disappoint any of them for some reason, but I did disappoint myself. While it gets to me, I can admit that at least a part of me knows that the disappointment will be there for a while. I'm going from fat girl with zero stamina to being pushed in workouts 3 days a week. It's going to be hard. Everything is gonna be hard. If it were easy, I wouldn't be there, bc I'd be bored. 

I really do need to get over the emotions of this, bc they will be a constant, but since March, I've become less and less of a robot. Today, I'm not hurting, but I'm feeling the parts of my body that I worked yesterday. Hopefully that means that I did something right, or at least on the way to right. Like I said, I'm not sure if I went as hard as I truly could have. I'm sure I'm subconsciously being hesitant, and I hope I get over that SOON. The "hurt" I'm feeling feels good though. There isn't anything keeping me from doing this afternoon's class, so heck yeah I'm going.

Class:

Let's see... We worked on hollow positions. We laid on the ground face up and face down, and made a bowl. Feet up 6" or so, arms straight out and up the same. Both directions. It was really hard to keep it going. There were a few times where I stopped early, rested, then went back up. But, 3 out of 16 total sets isn't bad. 20 seconds hold, 10 seconds rest for each direction. 

We then worked on handstand pushups. This meant that he worked us through the progression of positions that lead to being able to do one. FOR ME, that meant staying at a plank and trying pushups. So, I planked my ass off yesterday. Realizing that I've been wrong all my life, that past trainers have had me do them wrong or the super crazy easy way, is frustrating. Same with pushups. Elbows out is wrong! I had no clue. And of course doing it right is so much harder. So, I worked at it. I watched the others working at various levels, and I planked. 

Then we moved on to the WOD. This was 3 sets at increasing intensities of snatch/handstand pushups/row. 1 was 10 reps/1 minute/10 cals. 2 was 20 reps/2 minutes/20 cals. 3 was 30 reps/3 minutes/30 cals. I did not finish. I was slow between everything. I successfully held back an attack (ya for small mercies). But I was very slow. We had 20 minutes to do everything. Oh yeah, I've been rowing wrong - THIS WHOLE TIME. So angry. 

Anyway, I moved slowly between each item, took my time. The planks are what killed me though. I just couldn't hold them. And the time isn't 3 minutes to do planks, it was continue until you have a cumulative total of 3 minutes. I think it took me 5 or 6 to get to 2 minutes. I only finished 1.5 of the last set. Didn't even get to the row. I just kept pushing up and then falling a very short time later, 10-15 seconds. Just couldn't make myself do it, and I tried. I'm really upset that I didn't finish. But that was yesterday. It is what it is I guess.

WOD:

Goal: complete in 20 minutes

• 10 barbell snatches
• 1 minute plank
• 10 cals burned rowing
• 20 barbell snatches
• 2 minute plank
• 20 cals burned rowing
• 30 barbell snatches
• 3 minute plank
• 30 cals burned rowing

Actual: completed in 20 minutes

• 10 barbell snatches
• 1 minute plank
• 10 cals burned rowing
• 20 barbell snatches
• 2 minute plank
• 20 cals burned rowing
• 30 barbell snatches
• 1.5 minute plank

Day 6 - end of fundamentals

Ok. Last night was the final “fundamentals” night, so was a final review of all the main movements we were taught over these past two weeks. And now to see if I remember them all…

• Lunges, air squats, sit ups, pushups, wall balls, burpees, box jumps/steps, ring rows
• Kettlebell swings (Russian-front, American-high), KB high pulls (pull in front to chest, no swing)
• Strict press (no dip), push press (initial dip), push jerk (dip/drive/dip)
• Power clean (from dl to shoulders with a dip), hang power clean (from thighs to shoulder with dip)
• Snatch (wide grip, dl, pull up fast with a dip to overhead hold and squat)
• Thrusters (shoulders, squat, explode up, shoulders)
• Deadlift (from shins, stand), sumo deadlift (wide stance, stand), DL/HP (close grip, bring to chest)

I’m probably forgetting some.

The good news is that I can (a) buy an ab mat so that I continue sit ups in this style at home, (b) can come as many times as I like these next two weeks, and (c) think I can afford at least twice a week. I think. We will see. I will have to do the math, and hope that the dog walking covers at least half of this monthly bill. I want to do at least 3 times a week, but it all depends. I’m excited to go to a real class, and I’m nervous as hell. Today is KB stuff, and I’m using the next to lightest one, which is embarrassing, but whatever. I need to get over that, bc according to the trainer, no one (who is actually working out) will be paying attention to me.

I’m excite to begin working towards goals ya know. Immediate goal – be able to do normal life shit without feeling like a fat fucking slob. You know, tie shoes, walk up a flight of stairs, carry groceries, etc. Anyway, it starts today.

Now, to not keep fucking myself over with my thesis.

Day 5

We had the second trainer again yesterday and he’s also great. Matt I believe (memory of a goldfish strikes again). He’s very to the point, and likes to “test” you. As in “Ok, Mel, show us the deadlift.” So, he’ll give you a sec to think it through and do it. If you can’t get it, he’ll then throw in the reminder of how to do it. This is nice, bc it forces you to remember the moves instead of monkey-see-monkey-do. Not that that is bad, I learn quite well from that too. Anyway, it was a review of bodyweight things and barbell things. We used the barbell instead of the pvc for everything, and I felt a little more confident on movements with that. We also did kettlebell stuff. There was no WOD really, but we did 15 reps of each item we reviewed.

• Pushups 10
• Sit ups 20 
• Squats 20
• Deadlift 15
• Sumo deadlift 15
• The hanging version of the clean 15
• The clean where you start near your shins 15
• Strict press 15
• The press with one dip (don’t remember the name) 15
• The press with two dips (don’t remember the name) 15
• Kettlebell Swings (American seems to be the only ones they count here, so unless said otherwise, they are that kind of swing) 2 sets of 15
• Kettlebell deadlift/pull up to your chin (don’t remember the name) 2 sets of 15

I used the 15lb barbell for all of those lifting moves. I tried the 23lb kettlebell for the swings, but just one had me feeling like I couldn’t do it/too heavy, so I switched to the 18lb. For the high lifts, I used the 23lb one though. I made it through 20 sit ups, and legit struggled for the last 3 (better than befoooorrreee!!!). I made it through 10 “pushups” and struggled through them all, but I did do them all at an even pace with good posture. I moved down a little further this time than I have in the past. So, getting there. The squats are squats. They were the first thing we did, so I was able to move through them and make myself go low-ish for all of them. Nowhere near low enough, but I guess I’m getting there.

Goal: do all the items given with good form

Actual: did all the items given with mostly good form

Addition: my lower back is on fire!

Day 4 take 2

This was a difficult day. I walked out of the gym feeling like I didn’t belong there. Warm up went well. The stretches are getting easier to remember how to do, and in a good order. Jumping rope is getting better. Less whacks to my legs and hands. I still have to do it in short spurts, but I’m able to do more sessions as time goes on. After warming up, we did a super short untimed circuit of 250m row and 15 squats. I think my form for squats is getting better? Or rather, I can clearly identify when I’m doing it wrong now. So, maybe the more accurate observation is that I’m more aware of how I should be doing it.

We played with the bar some! Started practice with the pvc stick, but move to the 15lb bar. We worked on hang power cleans and, I think the other move is just a power clean – the one starting from below your knees, but ending in the “clean” movement with elbows out/up. I feel incredibly awkward doing this, but it’s super fun. I am having some flexibility problems in the arms, but that will get better the more I do it. The big problem is that when you’re bringing the barbell up to your shoulders, you do this thrust move to drive momentum from your lower half, UP. This momentum makes your arms swing up, which helps you bring the weight up, and then you engage your arms enough to roll out your elbows and control where the barbell goes. That thrust is throwing me. I’m going to enjoy doing lifts I think. And when my brain disengages and my body “gets” the move, it’ll be easier, and a LOT more fun.

And now…. The WOD. THIIIISSSSSSS is where I fucked myself up. The WOD was 15 HPC, 6 sprints, 12 HPC, 4 sprints, 9 HPC, 2 sprints. The “sprints” were just the length of the gym, a really short distance. We had 8 minutes to complete everything, but we do them as quickly/accurately as possible. Short sprints like this, no problem. HPC, no problem. I got this, and am excited.

Then I start.

Got through 15 of them slowly and I was comfortable with almost all of them. Did my little sprints and instantly saw how far behind the other two I was. I don’t know if my mind went back to “performance” mode, or what, but when I looked up and saw what the other two were doing, I freaked out and was hyperventilating/having an asthma attack. I can’t say which it was. It happened SO suddenly that I was super freaked. I couldn’t even talk properly to have the trainer grab my inhaler for me, but he understood the panting and pointing. I took my two puffs, I worked through it, I cried, and then I started the rest of my sets.

It held me up for a good while. And damnit I was angry, embarrassed, and my lungs were on fucking fire. THE WORST. But, I finished like, right at the 8 minute beep. So, I did them all within the time given. I’m trying to ignore that the other two had moved on to pushups while the clock was ticking for me. I still hurt from that. I’m trying to figure out the trigger, bc I damn sure don’t want to go through that again, let alone in from of in-shape people. I hurt so much, that I barely had any dinner when I got home.

WOD:

Goal: 15 HPC, 6 sprints, 12 HPC, 4 sprints, 9 HPC, 2 sprints in 8 minutes.

Actual: 15 HPC, 6 sprints, 12 HPC, 4 sprints, 9 HPC, 2 sprints in 8 minutes.

Random comment

It’s nice when a meal that would normally fill me up is now TOO much food. I mean, I ate a banana 2 or 3 hours ago, but still. I got this teriyaki chicken/veg/rice bowl from Fairway. This thing is filled in one of those small to go round containers. Holds 2 cups of stuff? 3? Anyway, I’ve not purchased this before, but this amount of food used to fill me as I grazed over an hour or so. I ate MAYBE half of it, maybe, and I’m stuffed. 

I’ve filled this container with food plenty before, so I’m just pretty excited that I really am getting a handle on my diet. I’ve been working at this a long time. Long periods of working at it, long periods of not giving a crap. This current period of “on” has been going for about a month and a half.

A big ole Huzzah to that!

Day 4, take 1

So, I didn’t make it to class last night. I was coming from the city, and the stars just didn’t align. The plus side is that I was carrying a lot of stuff, though that doesn’t count for much. The bday weekend consisted of more walking and climbing than eating. Even with the one gigantic, decadent, fudgy piece of chocolate cake. I didn’t eat the fudgy icing; that was my concession.

I didn’t log food. It was so random, that I honestly just didn’t feel like finding and adding the things. So that’s another fail on my part, the not logging. But I really paid attention to the food I ate. So that’s a bonus on my part. In the end, I was conscious of the food in, the energy out, and I feel there was a deficit each day.

I’m super pissed I didn’t make it to class. But I did what I could to get there. I start up tomorrow with Day 4, and we’ll end up adding 1 extra class on a Monday to make up for yesterday. The other guy missed last Thursday, so the trainer said no big on missing.

Still though.

Day 3 feels

Day 3 was different from the first two. I had a different trainer. He was great, but the structure was very different. The first two days we took our time learning and being taught, ensuring we are showing that we can do the moves. This time we FLEW through a BUNCH of different moves. I can’t even remember everything we did. I say flew through them, but the trainer was watching and had us practice them a bit to see that we understood the mechanics.

We learned/did:

• A new kettlebell thing, like a squat then pull it up to our chins instead of a swing out and up
• A sumo dead lift
• 2 new versions of the strict press – one where you dip and push, one where you dip, push/dip, and stand
• Pushups
• Sit-ups
• Squats (I managed to touch the ball with my butt this time, though, it was just one)
• American kettlebell swings (the Russian one didn’t count this go around)
• Jumping rope

I was able to jump rope for longer stretches before stopping than I was able to yesterday/Monday. And I’ve decided that I will definitely work on a few things at home. I was hesitant to because I was scared that I’d be practicing them with bad form and blah blah. But, how else am I going to be able to do them? Not from attending a class only a few days a week. So, what I’ll do at home on various days, and what I need to remember when doing them:

• Pushups – keep the back straight, abs engaged, butt tight. Moving down a few inches with everything straight/engaged is better than going all the way down and bending everything to get back up
• Sit-ups – keep chin tucked in, keep hands on legs (though switching to finger tips felt better), try to keep butt tight and abs engaged while making it a smooth motion, legs together and straight, toes pointed
• Squats – KEEP MY BALANCE TOWARDS MY HEELS and not my toes. Keep the back straight and butt out. Squat down PAST comfortable.
• Lunges – back straight, squat to where knees are almost touching ground, so about 90 degree angles, or a little farther. Mainly, back straight with mid and butt pulled tight for control.
• Jump Rope – damn, just be able to do this for longer and longer periods.
• Burpees – This is something that will take a LOT of trust in myself to do. I need to trust that I won’t fall when I push my legs back. And even if I did fall, I’d be falling a couple of inches. I don’t know why I’m so scared, but I am. So, these are on this list.
• Running – short stints. Be able to jog nonstop for 100m. Then, 200, and so on. Eventually to a mile of jogging nonstop. Beyond that is cool, but focus is to be able to perform the running parts of any WODs I get. Bc right now, I wouldn’t be able to without stopping to walk.

So, the WOD for yesterday was difficult. Actually, I think I’ll stop saying “the WOD was difficult” because I’m sure they all will be. Anyway, it was box steps followed by American KB swings. It’s quite fucked up just how taxing it is to step up on a box, and balance yourself to not fall on your ass either when stepping up OR down. Like, SERIOUSLY. I’m only stepping up (not jumping) on the small side, 20”. Though, I think that is longer than my foot/femur/knee combined. Being short sucks. But, there it is.

Goal: 4 minute, AMRAP – 6 box steps, 6 AKB swings

Actual: 4 complete rounds