12/6: didn’t go :(

Nope. I made every excuse in the book, and didn’t go. Yes, I DID have to do laundry (desperately). Yes, I DID have stock brewing in the crock pot that I needed to take care of. Yes, I DID have gifts to prep, organize, and wrap to mail home. Yes, I WAS still hurting from 12/4’s deadlifts (calves man. I was a wobbly walker!). I did not do laundry, I did put away the stock, I prepped and organized gifts, didn’t wrap.

These were all excuses. To be honest, I was feeling pretty down. I keep thinking that this is all so impossible and hopeless. That I’ll stay fat and out of shape forever. That I’ll never qualify to be in the military, and won’t get lucky with a job – which leads to being in accounting for the rest of my life. All of this, it’s just too big. I can’t stop from falling down the rabbit hole of negative thinking, and it’s terrifying.

I watched a youtube video of Jordan Shaloub (from #Jackedlikejordan, formerly Buzz Feed) and it was just her talking to her trainers and fellow gym members about how it was when they first started crossfit. They all said the same thing – that it was scary, difficult, felt impossible, and embarrassing.

So, I went to bed thinking that I’m experiencing normal feels and thoughts. I’m not doing exceptionally poorly. Several people reiterated that people should scale when needed, that the beginning was all modified to suit them for a long time, that a person shouldn’t compare themselves to the other people in their classes but should instead compare themselves to how they were when they started. And, this echoes what Kevin and other members at CFA have told me.

I’m sure I’ll go through this more than once. But, I just need to remember that everyone sucked in the beginning. It isn’t any harder for me than it was for anyone else. I’m not *special* in that. Thank goodness.