12/26 - 1/1: nuthin ya'll

Yep – off this week. I think they are open, but I’m burnt out, feeling like shit (I can’t quite say why – emotional BS if ya ask me), and just want to sit at my computer.

Maybe I’m getting antsy for class.

Maybe I just am people’d out.

Maybe I feel like an utter slob bc I’ve fallen off the food bandwagon.

Maybe I am just feeling lazy.

Maybe I wish I were home instead.

Maybe it’s too fucking cold and all I wanna do is curl up in fuzzy pj pants and a blanket.

Prolly all of the above.

12/22: WOD: 12 days of Christmas

[[ Top part is CF stuff. Bottom part is feels stuff ]]

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

On the 1^st day of Christmas my trainer said to do, 1 rope climb to end your work out.

On the 2^nd day of Christmas my trainer said to do, 2 power snatches, and a rope climb to end your work out.

On the 3^rd day of Christmas my trainer said to do, 3 muscle ups, 2 power snatches, and a rope climb to end your work out.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Yeah. I know, I went there. I even sang it in class :)

So, we use 1 weight for all bar work, and on the left is the 12 days RX, the right is my scaled version:

1 rope climb                                                                   10 ring rows
2 power snatches @ 85lb                                                2 power snatch @ 45lb
3 muscle ups (or equivalent through pull ups)               10 ring row
4 push press @ 85lb                                                       4 push press @ 45lb
5 toes to bar                                                                    5 hanging knee raise
6 wall ball @ 14lb                                                            6 wall ball @ 10lb
7 box jumps @ 20"                                                          7 box steps @ 20"
8 plate burpees @ 25lb                                                   8 plate burpees @ 10lb
9 kettle bell swings @ 35lb                                              9 kb swings @ 13lb
10 handstand push ups                                                 10 knee pushups
11 front squats @ 85lb                                                   11 front squat at 45lb
1 1200m run                                                                    1 1200m run

GOAL: in 70 minutes, complete all days. The format for this workout matches the song:

1 then

2, 1 then

3, 2, 1 then

4, 3, 2, 1 … and so on until all 12 days are complete

ACTUAL: In 70 minutes, completed 11 days + 800m

That translates to these totals:

• Ring Rows: 190
• Power Snatches: 20
• Push Presses: 32
• Hang Knee Raises: 35
• Wall Balls: 36
• Box Steps: 35
• Plate Burpees: 32
• KB Swings: 27
• Knee Pushups: 20
• Front Squats: 11
• 800M run

For me, I finished 11 days plus 800m run. I can't stop repeating this, because i'm truly am surprised that I did as much as I did. I mean, full on shocked. Obviously everyone else had it much harder than me, but I've learned that I don't compare myself to them, bc I'm me, and they are them. Now, about that run. As you can imagine, as out of shape as I am in, I was dead by that point. Well before that point, but whatever. I ran out the 200m, and when I turned around gasping for air, sucking on my inhaler, 2 of the girls in the class were running towards me. See, they finished minutes ago.

They came out to run with me so I wouldn’t be alone. They did all 12 fking days, and still ran with me. Guys, I wouldn’t have made it for 800m. Not without them. They pushed me to just keep moving. When I stopped, they helped me breathe, and then get back to moving. I just wanted to cry. I couldn’t, bc I was so sweaty that there was nothing left lol. But I really wanted to cry. I’m so thankful for them.

This is why I love CrossFit so much. No matter how embarrassed I feel, no matter how bad I’m doing, or how slow I am, the people there cheer me on and help me. Because of that, I do better.

You were warned.... feels:

So, the last couple weeks have been rough on me, emotionally. And the topper was the coworker’s words. Yo, it hit hard. **truth time** I have suffered with severe BDD for a very long time. I hate looking in the mirror. I HATE photos of me (yes, I admit that part of the reason I became a photographer was to have a legit reason to say “no, I don’t need to be in the pic, I’ll take it for you”). And most of all, I abhor myself.

I put on a good show – selfies, smiles, laughs, attempts to look pretty – but it really is just all a show. Now, I’ve gotten a little better as time has gone on because I’ve learned that there is more to life than how you look, more important things. All those assholes who control every single show, magazine, and movie that we look at aren’t always right about what this world considers beautiful, good, or worthy. I’ve gotten to the point where part of me does understand that, but I still suffer from depressive bouts.

However, since starting this, it’s been less severe – up until the coworker’s bs that is. Whatever. Anyway, this has been good for me. The encouragement to do things I couldn’t before, I dunno, it’s affecting me in such a wonderful way. Too many feels right now. But those chicks doing extra running to hang with me… it meant so much. And my friends who have my back, that means more than I can express.

12/21: S: bench press @ 75. WOD: 6rnd of 250m row, 15x situps, 30xec plank

The bench press was start at something, work your way to a heavy set of 5. Then, you’ll do another 4 sets of 5, with incremental increases of weight from that first one, up. So, I did 50, 60, 65, 70, 75. That final is a PR (wee!). They were tough but I did em all without a spot. Huzzah!

GOAL: 6 rounds of 250m row, 15x strict sit ups, 30 sec hollow planks

ACTUAL: 4 rounds + 80m row

Not much to say about this one. I tried, and I didn’t make it. But I kept at it. I was just slow.

12/18: S: Sumo DL @ 135. WOD: 3rnd of 15cal bike, 10 TGU

We worked on sumo deadlifts. These are normal hands (not close for a high pull) and wide stance. I find these much easier than a straight dead lift, and was able to really understand what they’ve been saying about “push into the ground” when you lift up. We didn’t work towards a max, but instead worked towards a heavy set of 5. I finished my sets at 135. I didn’t quite do them straight through, as I took a second breath between rep 3 and 4, but it was only a breath’s worth. So, I hope that counts. 135 is certainly my heavy for this, as I dunno if I could have done another set of 5 at that weight. Maybe, but also maybe not.

We also worked on how to do a Turkish get up. It’s a really cool, full body workout with a kettle bell. You start by laying down. KB in one hand, arm straight up, and corresponding leg is bent up. Throughout the entire process (1 rep = this move done on both sides), the arm and KB should be towards the ceiling. Your arm doesn’t follow your body, but instead always points up. This sucker is hard, but was a lot of fun! I was super slow with it, but sped up as I did it more. I really enjoyed this one:

• Step 1: Sit up. You can use the hand not holding the KB as leverage for sitting up.
• Step 2: Lean toward the KB side and lift hips off the ground.
• Step 3: Tuck bent knee under the body and bring it back into what will feel like a lunge position.
• Step 4: Stand up.

From there, you do the same steps in reverse to lay back down, and repeat on the other side.

GOAL: 3 RFT in 10 min of 15 bike cals, 10 TGU

ACTUAL: 2 rounds + 15 cals

The WOD included the TGU, which was awesome. It also included the assault bike, which was not awesome. I’m coming to like it better as I use it (or maybe as my breathing gets better?) but it still isn’t cool. I was alright for pacing on the bike. Winded for sure when done with 15, but not dead. Then came the TGU. Really focusing on the steps and form, I was super slow. This first round is why I didn’t finish this WOD in the 10 mins. It was totally possible, but whatever. I honestly think I finished round 1 in 5 minutes. I was much faster in round 2 (I know this because I got through 2 rounds + the 15 cals).

I think I’d do better if I did this one again. Maybe not finish it, but certainly better.

12/7: S: DL @ 140. WOD: 50x Thrusters in time, double unders on minutes

Was a fun day. I'm super glad I went back, and I hope to not experience another night like last night again for a looooong time.

We did increments again. Matt adjusted my "max" to 140 from 107 based on what I did last time. I was unprepared with the maths and took WAY too long to get it all set and figured. so, I rushed a little. But, I still managed to go through all of them and ended with 1 @ 140.

To prep for the WOD, we worked on thrusters a little bit. The last time I did these, my right shoulder just wasn't having it. It does not like that movement at all. I need to work on that, and stretch it out I think. Anyway, in the warm up, I did them at 45lbs. But I dropped it for the workout.

WOD: 10 minutes to complete 50x Thrusters. At the top of each minute, do 25x double unders. This was scaled for me as thrusters using only 35lb bar, and if we can't do double unders, do 50x singles.

Actual: in the time frame, I finished 21 thrusters. I'm totally guessing here, but I think my reps were: 4, 3, 0, 0, 6, 6, 0, 2, 0, 0. I took forever jump roping. Yes, there were breaks to breathe, but for the most part, I just kept on. I think there were 3 significant breaks, like 10 seconds maybe? They were longer than the others (which consisted of me snagging the rope on my shoes, and then stepping over and starting up again) but not overly so I think. There were 2 sets where I'd finish jump roping, set it down, move to the bar, only to see that the minute ended and I needed to jump again. KILL ME.

The bad part is that I needed my inhaler, and I was scared that it wasn't working. I was too in pain to panic, and was dizzy. I felt like I was going to loose it, but I didn't. I made it. I fucking finished, and am so stoked.

Side note, periods of jumping rope are getting longer. huzzah!

12/6: didn’t go :(

Nope. I made every excuse in the book, and didn’t go. Yes, I DID have to do laundry (desperately). Yes, I DID have stock brewing in the crock pot that I needed to take care of. Yes, I DID have gifts to prep, organize, and wrap to mail home. Yes, I WAS still hurting from 12/4’s deadlifts (calves man. I was a wobbly walker!). I did not do laundry, I did put away the stock, I prepped and organized gifts, didn’t wrap.

These were all excuses. To be honest, I was feeling pretty down. I keep thinking that this is all so impossible and hopeless. That I’ll stay fat and out of shape forever. That I’ll never qualify to be in the military, and won’t get lucky with a job – which leads to being in accounting for the rest of my life. All of this, it’s just too big. I can’t stop from falling down the rabbit hole of negative thinking, and it’s terrifying.

I watched a youtube video of Jordan Shaloub (from #Jackedlikejordan, formerly Buzz Feed) and it was just her talking to her trainers and fellow gym members about how it was when they first started crossfit. They all said the same thing – that it was scary, difficult, felt impossible, and embarrassing.

So, I went to bed thinking that I’m experiencing normal feels and thoughts. I’m not doing exceptionally poorly. Several people reiterated that people should scale when needed, that the beginning was all modified to suit them for a long time, that a person shouldn’t compare themselves to the other people in their classes but should instead compare themselves to how they were when they started. And, this echoes what Kevin and other members at CFA have told me.

I’m sure I’ll go through this more than once. But, I just need to remember that everyone sucked in the beginning. It isn’t any harder for me than it was for anyone else. I’m not *special* in that. Thank goodness.

12/4: S: Deadlift: 60lb max. WOD: 3 RFT in 10 min of 21x KB lunges, 15x DL @ 35lb, 9x OTB burpees.

We worked on creating a Deadlift set, not necessarily a max yet. We worked up to a weight that we could do, and did 5 sets of 15 reps. I did them at 60lb and it was tough... But I did all sets. Want to up by a little next go around with Kevin’s OK.

WOD: 3 rounds for time in 10 min of:

• 21x KB lunges with the black KB
• 15x DL at 35 lbs
• 9x Over the bar Burpees

Actual: completed 1 full round + 21x KB lunges + 15x DL

Did KB lunges with black KB, DL at 35, and my fail-burpees (hop over the bar). Did 1.6 rounds of 3 in 10 minutes. The lunges kicked my ass. I dunno, adding the extra weight, and I just couldn’t stand still. I was so wobbly. My ankle/foot hurt (yeah, it was sprained 2 months ago) which was really weird, so I guess I just didn’t trust my body to do them. Which upset me, and being upset makes me feel terrible, and do worse than I can do, and rest too much bc I can’t keep my breathing under control. All bs. Until I break myself of that habit/tick/embarrassing action, I’ll never truly be able to work out.

We finished up with 50x weighted supermans. I did em all, but it tool like 7 sets. The last and next-to-last was 10 each, and they were split more from the beginning. First one was like 6 or 7? But, I made myself stick to a set of 10 for the last two, so that’s cool. 

11/30: S: Front squat (135 max). WOD: 3 RFT of 400m sprint, 25x hollow sit ups, 50x step lunges.

This is us working up to a max front squat lift. We do this in increments of 5x at 70%, 75%, and 80% weight, then 4x at 85%, 3x at 90%, and finally 2x at 95% weight. Going by what we figured max as, 107lb, lifts should be 75, 80, 86, 91, 96, 102. But weight increments don’t allow, and the final I was off bc I was running out of time and suck at math. I did: 75, 80, 85, 90, 95, 135. So…. New max I guess since I did both lifts in that final round at, supposedly, 95%. I’ll ask Matt next time I see him for this exercise about it.

WOD: 3 rounds for time of 

• 400m sprint
• 25x hollow sit ups
• 50x step lunges. (18 minute timer?)

Actual: 2 full rounds, plus 1 200m sprint. Walked in with 2 or 3 seconds to spare.

Something I noticed, sit ups were easier. As in, I did more before having to rest than previously. They certainly aren’t EASY, but definitely easier. That’s a noticeable win.

11/29: S: Hollow pushups, ring dips. WOD: 4x 4 min rnds of 30x wall ball, 30x KB swing, 30x Burpees.

Today was fun and challenging, even though I did terribly. We did pull up variations for the warmup, so I did ring rows. Managed each row set without stopping! I am trying to decrease my angle to the floor each time I do ring rows, but I don’t think I’m doing it. Push ups kicked my ass, and couldn’t do even 1 ring dip.

WOD: 4x 4-minute rounds of:

• 30x wall balls @ 10lbs
• 30x KB swings with the black one
• 30x Burpees.

Actual:

• R1 63 reps
• R2 43 reps
• R3 40 reps
• R4 0 reps – we were told that if we didn’t finish the KB swings, we were done. I thankfully wasn’t the only one.