First Post!

So, I created this blog ages ago. So long ago, in fact, that it would probably kill something inside of me if I looked to see when I actually made it. Clearly there’s been no posts. I’m a slacker, and that is the mother of all understatements. I’ve tried to more or less be health-conscious throughout my life, but let’s face it. I wouldn’t be 100lb over weight according to military standards if I truly focused on my health.

I’m a fat girl, I’m a strong girl, and I’m a girl with no stamina. I have pizza binges when I’m studying on weekends, and I’ll eat chicken salads for every meal when I’m broke. I’ve always tried to keep some physical activity a couple times a week, though admittedly it was never a ‘good’ session when I worked out, or attempted to run, or whatever. I blame my asthma when it gets hard and there’s no one there to keep me going. I don’t push as far as I should (yes, always keep safety in mind) because 20 minutes after I am done doing whatever, I am breathing normal and feel fine. The only time that was different was after cycling classes. Of which I’ve only attended TWO. Sad, I know. I really enjoyed spin.

But, this is where I’m going to be honest with myself: I’m really fat. This keeps me from going to the gym because I feel SO BAD. Not bad because I’ve pushed myself too hard, or the workouts themselves are hard, but bad in the sense that I can’t wear enough compression pants to keep my belly from fucking me up when I row or jump rope. It’s beyond embarrassing. I LOVE rowing. I wanted to pay the money to join a rowing team. Nope, embarrassed. I LOVE volleyball, and I would have paid the fee to join a team, but yet again, my own embarrassment kept me from it. Running. I CAN’T run, it’s quite sad. But I want to. Again, my fat ass belly gets in the way. It’s uncomfortable, it’s embarrassing, I hate myself. I could be so much better – more in shape, stronger, healthier, and prettier. But, I’m not. So, I’m hoping to change that.

This week I turn 32. I didn’t plan for it to all begin at my birthday, but, hey, it works. Will make the progress report a year from now easier to remember. This post is just my feels going into this. The next one will detail my first ever crossfit workout, and other shit.

Goals:

Immediate (3 month goals)

• I’d like to not need my inhaler during workouts. I don’t know if that is possible, but I want to try. The trainer said with a smile “I’m gonna get you off of that” and I believe him. I want that as well.
• I want to run a 5k the whole way through. That’s what, 3.some miles? Yeah, I’d like to get there. And then a 10k, and on and on. But for now, 3.some miles non-stop please, and thanks.
• I need to legitimately focus on my eating habits. I need to be honest with my logging, and really work on giving myself meaningful meals each day. School is done in December, so after that, there’s NO excuse for order a whole pizza for the weekend.

Year

• I want to lose fat. I can’t give myself a number, because I’ve been over 200lbs since middle or high school. I will say that 200 is a good number to shoot for, as I was in great shape then. I understand that losing a lot of weight will fuck me up mentally, and fuck my body up. There will be flappy skin everywhere, and it is my understanding that that kind of weight loss affects women in weird ways. Most noticeable – goodbye boobs. And, I’m ready for that.
• To get ahead in my chosen career, I think I need to get experience in the military. I won’t get it in the private sector unless I get lucky, and I don’t see that happening in the IC. So, I need to be in physical shape to join the military. There are requirements per branch, so I’ll aim for the Army/Navy. As much as I want to be a Marine, I want to work in intelligence eventually, so… there’s that. Army and Navy are JUST where it’s at for that.
• I want to be strong. Truly strong. I have this vision of myself, and after talking with the trainer, I think I can get there. I imagine myself as leaner, agile, and strong. I’m not imaging a body builder, I’m not going to be in the Crossfit Games. But, I am going to be able to do pushups, I am going to be able to lift, and most importantly, I’m going to be able to run.
• Most importantly, by my 33^rd birthday, I want to be proud of myself. I want to be happy in my own meat sack. I’m not right now, I haven’t been for a while. And that needs to change, because we all should be proud of ourselves. We all go through shit, and some of us are still standing. That right there is something to be proud of. So, I am going to work on my mental health as well as my physical health. After December, when school is over, I’m going to find someone to talk to, and start working on that.

So, here we go. Fingers crossed that I keep this up. Even if it’s just a line on what I did or didn’t do that day.

32 years old (almost) | 5’5”| 260 | measurements tonight.