Just a lot of complaints this Monday Morning

I’m back, only for a little bit. As much as I WANT to “journal” I just can’t get into it. Clearly. But, every now and then, it’s nice to get it out in this format. I don’t really know how to talk to people about this set of feels. Heck, I don’t’ think people want to hear about it anyway. I don’t have a therapist, and even if I did (EVERYONE should see a therapist… I just suck and can’t afford one) I wouldn’t know how to approach this topic. So, I’m going to write it here, stream of consciousness style.

I’m excited that I can move around in less pain than before. I’m 215 as of this am, and I think my heaviest was in the upper 280s. So, there’s a fair amount of weight loss that has happened. I should be happy about this, and I am to some extent. But then there are the weird things that people don’t tell you when you’re losing a decent amount of weight. My face is a little slimmer, so that is noticeable. I have collar bones now, and my shoulders look great. Then everything else is weird. VERY WEIRD. And I feel even worse about my body than I did before. At least I had a shape before (round is a shape). I kind of have a waist now, but it’s butted up next to masses of skin. Still pudgy sections, but, flappy and gross. That is only going to get worse. Legs look better, but my hands are still super pudgy. And other things, but whatever.

So, I’ve been doing this for a while, and am stronger/faster. I’m not “strong and fast” per se, but “er” than I was before. Since I should compare me to only me, there is a difference. But, now there’s a new pain. Well, not NEW, but it’s much more noticeable and pronounced. So, when I’m doing a shoulder to overhead movement from the front rack position, there is immense pain along the top of my left shoulder, from neck to about mid-bicep. I saw a doctor a while ago, and the first thing she did was tilt her head. The second thing she did was tell me to go get cortisone shots. Like, can’t you LOOK at my shoulder? Touch it? Does everything feel like it’s lined up well? Can you take a look to see if everything on the inside is lined up well? How about we check it out first before you want to stick a needle in me. So, that didn’t sit well, and now I am still in almost unbearable pain when doing that movement with something other than a PVC pipe. I can’t help it, there are tears. Because I know it’s going to hurt, I don’t commit fully to the movement, and am training to do it super wrong. I can’t get that whole mind-over-matter thing down and just push through it. I’ve started using a lacrosse ball and foam roller, as well as consistent stretching, in hopes that I loosen whatever I can up. But if this doesn’t change, I’ll need to find a doctor that will actually try to help me instead of auto-script a shot. Maybe I’ll end up needed the shot, but I’d like to exhaust other things first. I’d especially like to avoid it if the problem stems from me just being super tight.

There has been a lot of progress, and I am so very happy about that. However, there are still things I’m so bad at that it’s embarrassing. Not pullups/sit ups/pushups/lifting stuff. Those things will just take time. But like, running and jumping related things. I still suck. I’m so, so bad. I haven’t gotten to where I can be disappointed or in pain, and not cry. I can’t say enough how embarrassing it is. I just want to do well, and I’m not naïve enough to think that I’ll do well at everything, immediately. But, things that I think I’ll do well at, I do terribly. It’s just a constant reminder that I waited so long to take my shit seriously, and it’s disappointing and sad.

To top it off, STILL NO JOB PROSPCTS. No one wants a career switcher. School means nothing to hiring managers. Sure, it might mean something later on, but I need to get in first, and so far, that just isn’t happening. I don’t “know” anyone, I can’t afford to take time away from a paying job for an internship, I interview like a spaz (yes, I’m working on this), and I don’t remember anything. I can at least fix the remembering part bc I’m going to start reading through school material and familiarizing myself with it all. With this, I’m going to start studying for the military tests. I need to do well. Need to.

My parents can’t keep living how they are living, and my brother can only help them so much. I can only help them so much. I blew through all of my savings and credit cards last year and part of this year dealing with the strokes and aftermath of them. I can’t afford to help anymore, especially with student loans starting soon. So, that’s just another weight – family and student loans.

THAT. Student Loans. I was SO wrong when I completed my master’s degree. Yes, I’m proud that I accomplished it, but what has it gotten me? 90k in debt. That’s it. I was too gung ho on the possibilities, listened to every damn thing everyone at Utica told me. I didn’t, for a second, stop to think it through. Of course no one will consider a master’s degree if you don’t even have an ounce of real-world experience. People want other people who have worked it, end of story. Degree means shit. It’ll mean a lot later, sure, but that doesn’t help me out now. I did this all backwards, and starting November, am going to have to deal with that.

So, all in all, I recognize that my life is OK. I’m doing OK for now, and things could be so much worse. But, I’m not happy. The only time I am happy is when I’m in the gym, and that’s not good. But, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what would make me happy that I have access to. Learning makes me happy, but what point is there when it gets you nowhere? I am not a better employee, I am not a better gym-person (as in, more efficient, better at doing the movements though I try), I don’t have a job in the field I studied (any of them), and I’m not a better daughter/friend. I’m silently bitter. I just want things to work out. I want to not worry as much as I do. “Can I eat out tonight? Or should I have the 3-day old meal because I can’t afford it?” “Will I be able to afford the gym this month? I hope this dog owner pays me in time.” “Will I have learned enough about nutrition before that ends? No way can I pay for gym + student loans + nutrition coach. There aren’t enough dogs in this area or time in the day for that.” “Will I pass the ASVAB with a good-enough score?” “Can I even do this?”

Hrm...

So (clearly) I've not been posting on here. Either I forget, or I get busy, or I just don't want to. I really like the idea, but truth be told, I'm too lazy to keep up with this. 

So, How about I turn this into an all around diary? Writing feels and shit for all subjects, as they pop up. 

I likely still won't keep up with this as much as I thought I would, but now I don't have to feel bad.

I'm recording my maxes and things in the WODster app, and when I remember, I'm writing results in the scheduling app.

Current plan: Part time through April. Full time in May.

Fingers crossed.

2/6: S: power jerk, 65lb. WOD: jerk and box jumps

Strength: EMOTM for 15 minutes - 

• 5 min - 3x
• 5 min - 2x 
• 5 min - 1x but increasing each rep if possible

I started with 15-10-10 and ended at 15-15-15-10-10 for a total of 65lb. I tried with an extra 5lb, but just wasn't comfortable even getting it up there. Maybe it was in my head, but I tried lifting twice and each time I didn't even get the bar to my chest.

WOD: more jerks and box jumps

GOAL: 12 - 15 - 9 65% jerk and 20" box jumps for time in 10 minutes

ACTUAL: I FUCKING FINISHED.

Yep. I finished a real WOD. in 9:59, but I finished!!!!

Jerk at 15-10-10 (35lb) and box steps, but I finished.

Amazing.

1/25: S: pull ups. WOD: 5rft ring push ups/db row/wall squat/lat raise

Skill:  Dead-hang Pull-ups

10 sets of 3 reps starting a dead hang position and completing full chin above the bar.

**Use bands, weight vests, weight as needed

I tried with the band again. I was able to get half way up this time. Despite how embarrassing that is, it's an improvement. I couldn't lift more than an inch or so before. So, ok. 

I sat at a very low angle, lower than anything I've done in wods, and in a set of three, almost every time was: alright, still alright but not as easy, tough. So, I probably could have gone lower, but I started in a position and stayed there. It was tough, so, I'll change how I do wods now so that I can get more from it and actually work myself. slacker.

GOAL: Recovery Not for time or Speed. 5 rounds of

• 5 x Ring Pushups
• 20L/20R x 1 Arm Bent over dumbbell row 50/35 or use a KB suitable for ROM
• 10 x Wall Facing Squats 
• 15 x Bent Over Lateral Raises

ACTUAL: did it all in 20 min, 8 sec. SO CLOSE.

Did all 10 sets as low ring rows. It was HARD! I could *kind of* do them from the rings, but it wasn't clicking. I started with them like, between knee and hip length. I could do 1, but it took everything I had. He had me move to around waist height, and I couldn't wrap my head around the position of body vs arms. But I tried one, barely got it. He moved me to the bench for push ups.

dumb bells were the 18lb kettlebell (or whatever the black stripe was) and I'm grateful.

lats were 5lb plate, and I'm VERY grateful. My left arm couldn't raise as high as the right.

1/22: S: sumo DL 5x5. WOD: RFT row/push up/muscle up

Strength: Sumo Deadlift

• 5 sets of 5 @ 65% of 1 RM 

115 for deadlift. I think 65% was 118? should should have gone up a little.

GOAL: 10 Min Cap, 3 RFT OF

• 21 X Cals Rowing
• 12 x HSPU
• 6 x Bar Muscle UP'S

1.     * Scale HSPU to 9 or Strict FULL ROM Pushups

2.     * Scale Bar MU to RIng Row/Dip 

ACTUAL: 2 rounds + 8

very, very far from what I thought I could do. It was rough. disappointed.

1/19: WOD: complete stuff for time

GOAL: 5 Rounds for time of

• 3 x Rope Climbs
• 10 x KTE
• 21 x Walking OH Lunges 45/25
• 4 x Power Snatches 135/95
• 12/10 Calories on Assault Bike

ACTUAL:  3 rounds + 8

ring rows instead of rope

kip instead of KTE

15lb lunges

65 snatch

1/17: WOD Do things in specific time - 3min, 6min, etc

Goal: complete in 3, 6, 9 and Complete for time

• 30 x Box Jumps 24/20
• 20 x Wall Ball 20/14
• 30 x Alternating DB Snatches 50/35
• 20 x TTB
• 30 x Double KB Clean 53/35
• 20 x Calories on Rower

Actual: 45-64-70-78.

So,  you have 3 minutes to do all of the above in that order. You then have 6 minutes to do all of the above in that order. 9 minutes. 12 minutes.

I did Box steps, a 10lb wall ball, and the 35lb dumb bell.

Fucked myself, mentally. Realized how slow I was going when compared to everyone else (yes, I know I shouldn't) and just couldn't stop crying. I'm pretty ashamed of that.

1/6: S: 65lb power snatch. WOD: 18 min rft of partner - 1 row, other 10 DB squat snatch 35lb, 10 burpee, 5 95lb deadlift.

my power snatch max was 65lbs

(15-10-10-15-15)

I managed to do the dumbell squat snatches! even with my left arm.

instead of the sandbag cleans, we did 95lb dead lifts

(I felt TERRIBLE for putting mary through so much rowing)

I don't recall how many rounds we did... 4? 5?

1/5: WOD: 5 rft 6x ring muscleups, 25ft handstand walk, 8 HSPU

GOAL: 5 rft of 6x ring muscleups, 25ft handstand walk, 8 HSPU

ACTUAL: 4 rounds + 9 of 

• 6 ring row + 6 bench dips
• 15 knee pushups
• 4 wall walks (hell yeah I did these!)

I did 3 full rounds. 4th round was:

6+6

15

0+skipped to 6+6

1/3: WOD: 12 min amrap 1x 35lb snatch, 3x power jerk, 60 jumps

GOAL: 12 minutes amrap 1x 55lb snatch, 3x 55lb power jerk, 60 jumps

Got through 5 with weight of 35lb. I *might* have been able to do more, but as it was, I took a long time with breathing. 60 single jumps is tough. And tbh, I was scared since I left my inhaler at home.  But, I hit all 60 in 1 go once, and hit 30 and 30 twice. Major improvement!

1/12: WOD: 9 min amrap 1 power snatch 55, 3 bar burpees (escalating each round – 1/3, 2/6, etc)

The warm up was just getting ready for the WOD, which was intense.

GOAL:

• 9 Min AMRAP [Each Round escalates as 1/3, 2/6, 3/9, 4/12, etc]
• 1 x Power Snatch 135/95 (I did 45lb)
• 3 x Bar Facing Burpees
• Each Round escalates as 1/3, 2/6, 3/9, 4/12, etc

• 7 Min AMRAP
• 10 x Wall Ball 20/14 (I did 10lb)
• 10 x Box Jump Overs 30/24 (I did 20” box steps)

• 5 Min AMRAP of
• 3 x Stone Over Shoulder 150/100/70/50 (I did 50)
• 1 x Rope Climb (I did 10 ring rows)
• 6 x Calories on Assault Bike

ACTUAL:

• 9 min for 4 rounds
• 7 min for 3 rounds
• 5 min for 2 rounds + 4

1/10: WOD: “Cindy” then 3 min for 50 TTB then 10 min for 5 rnd 10 thruster/20 sit-ups

The warm up was a set of 10 rounds: 45 sec row, 10 sec rest. We took an average for our meters rowed in 45 seconds. Mine was 174.6.

GOAL: 10 Min AMRAP of

• "Cindy"
• 5 x Pullups
• 10 x Pushups
• 15 x Air Squats

• 3 Min Clock
• Complete 50 x TTB

• 10 Min Clock, 5 Rounds of
• 10 x Thrusters 75/55
• 20 x Ab Mat Situps

ACTUAL: 10 minutes to do these rounds. I did:

• Cindy: 5 rounds
• 25 TTB
• 2 round + 26 reps

1/8: S: 175lb deadlift. WOD: 3 rft 30 double under, 15 sumo DLHP @ 55, 9 burpee over the bar

I fucking sprained my foot like 4 steps into the warm up!!!! Not as bad as in October, but the same motion. I was relegated to no jumping, and warming up on the assault bike. Well, I went longer than I have before at a better pace. So, 2 months in, and there are real changes. Go me!

Worked on creating a max deadlift. I hit 175lbs. I think with more time I could have gone hither, but not by much, so this is a really good starting point.

WOD:

GOAL: 3 Rounds for time of

• 30  x  Double Under's  
• 15  x  Sumo Deadlift High Pulls 75/55  
• 9    x  Burpees over the bar

ACTUAL: 1 round + 27 of 15 cals - 12 DLHP - 9 burpees

I had to change from double unders (which would have been 60 single unders) to 15 cals on the bike. Only 12 deadlift high pulls (at weight), and then fail burpees with no jumping. I already do fail burpees, but I can squeeze a little hop in there. But, foot. Everyone was supportive and making sure I was taking it easy kind of, and not hurting myself. That was nice.