I’m back,
only for a little bit. As much as I WANT to “journal” I just can’t get into it.
Clearly. But, every now and then, it’s nice to get it out in this format. I don’t
really know how to talk to people about this set of feels. Heck, I don’t’ think
people want to hear about it anyway. I don’t have a therapist, and even if I
did (EVERYONE should see a therapist… I just suck and can’t afford one) I
wouldn’t know how to approach this topic. So, I’m going to write it here,
stream of consciousness style.
I’m excited
that I can move around in less pain than before. I’m 215 as of this am, and I
think my heaviest was in the upper 280s. So, there’s a fair amount of weight
loss that has happened. I should be happy about this, and I am to some extent.
But then there are the weird things that people don’t tell you when you’re losing
a decent amount of weight. My face is a little slimmer, so that is noticeable.
I have collar bones now, and my shoulders look great. Then everything else is
weird. VERY WEIRD. And I feel even worse about my body than I did before. At
least I had a shape before (round is a shape). I kind of have a waist now, but
it’s butted up next to masses of skin. Still pudgy sections, but, flappy and
gross. That is only going to get worse. Legs look better, but my hands are still
super pudgy. And other things, but whatever.
So, I’ve
been doing this for a while, and am stronger/faster. I’m not “strong and fast”
per se, but “er” than I was before. Since I should compare me to only me, there
is a difference. But, now there’s a new pain. Well, not NEW, but it’s much more
noticeable and pronounced. So, when I’m doing a shoulder to overhead movement
from the front rack position, there is immense pain along the top of my left
shoulder, from neck to about mid-bicep. I saw a doctor a while ago, and the
first thing she did was tilt her head. The second thing she did was tell me to
go get cortisone shots. Like, can’t you LOOK at my shoulder? Touch it? Does everything
feel like it’s lined up well? Can you take a look to see if everything on the
inside is lined up well? How about we check it out first before you want to
stick a needle in me. So, that didn’t sit well, and now I am still in almost
unbearable pain when doing that movement with something other than a PVC pipe.
I can’t help it, there are tears. Because I know it’s going to hurt, I don’t
commit fully to the movement, and am training to do it super wrong. I can’t get
that whole mind-over-matter thing down and just push through it. I’ve started
using a lacrosse ball and foam roller, as well as consistent stretching, in
hopes that I loosen whatever I can up. But if this doesn’t change, I’ll need to
find a doctor that will actually try to help me instead of auto-script a shot.
Maybe I’ll end up needed the shot, but I’d like to exhaust other things first.
I’d especially like to avoid it if the problem stems from me just being super
tight.
There has
been a lot of progress, and I am so very happy about that. However, there are
still things I’m so bad at that it’s embarrassing. Not pullups/sit ups/pushups/lifting
stuff. Those things will just take time. But like, running and jumping related
things. I still suck. I’m so, so bad. I haven’t gotten to where I can be
disappointed or in pain, and not cry. I can’t say enough how embarrassing it
is. I just want to do well, and I’m not naïve enough to think that I’ll do well
at everything, immediately. But, things that I think I’ll do well at, I do
terribly. It’s just a constant reminder that I waited so long to take my shit seriously,
and it’s disappointing and sad.
To top it
off, STILL NO JOB PROSPCTS. No one wants a career switcher. School means
nothing to hiring managers. Sure, it might mean something later on, but I need
to get in first, and so far, that just isn’t happening. I don’t “know” anyone,
I can’t afford to take time away from a paying job for an internship, I
interview like a spaz (yes, I’m working on this), and I don’t remember
anything. I can at least fix the remembering part bc I’m going to start reading
through school material and familiarizing myself with it all. With this, I’m
going to start studying for the military tests. I need to do well. Need to.
My parents
can’t keep living how they are living, and my brother can only help them so
much. I can only help them so much. I blew through all of my savings and credit
cards last year and part of this year dealing with the strokes and aftermath of
them. I can’t afford to help anymore, especially with student loans starting
soon. So, that’s just another weight – family and student loans.
THAT.
Student Loans. I was SO wrong when I completed my master’s degree. Yes, I’m
proud that I accomplished it, but what has it gotten me? 90k in debt. That’s
it. I was too gung ho on the possibilities, listened to every damn thing
everyone at Utica told me. I didn’t, for a second, stop to think it through. Of
course no one will consider a master’s degree if you don’t even have an ounce
of real-world experience. People want other people who have worked it, end of
story. Degree means shit. It’ll mean a lot later, sure, but that doesn’t help
me out now. I did this all backwards, and starting November, am going to have to
deal with that.
So, all in
all, I recognize that my life is OK. I’m doing OK for now, and things could be
so much worse. But, I’m not happy. The only time I am happy is when I’m in the gym,
and that’s not good. But, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what would
make me happy that I have access to. Learning makes me happy, but what point is
there when it gets you nowhere? I am not a better employee, I am not a better gym-person
(as in, more efficient, better at doing the movements though I try), I don’t
have a job in the field I studied (any of them), and I’m not a better daughter/friend.
I’m silently bitter. I just want things to work out. I want to not worry as
much as I do. “Can I eat out tonight? Or should I have the 3-day old meal
because I can’t afford it?” “Will I be able to afford the gym this month? I
hope this dog owner pays me in time.” “Will I have learned enough about
nutrition before that ends? No way can I pay for gym + student loans + nutrition
coach. There aren’t enough dogs in this area or time in the day for that.” “Will
I pass the ASVAB with a good-enough score?” “Can I even do this?”
